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My boy

In about an hour, it will be exactly 1 week since we lost Orion.

I've experienced loss before, but nothing like losing my pup. Ro yelled and I was out of bed and flying down the stairs, throwing on clothing as I went. Orion was on the floor, not moving. When I touched him, though, he lifted his head, and I dared to hope that he would be okay. Within minutes, we were racing toward the vet ER in Lancaster.

Less than 10 minutes after I was jerked awake, Orion was gone. He passed away, looking his girl in the eyes while we spoke to him and she held him tightly. I kept rubbing his paws, letting him know his mommy loved him and he was a good dog.The best dog ever.

10 minutes. Everything changed in 10 minutes. Best damn dog ever, and I miss him every day. I can't talk about it without getting emotional. His memorial stone is on the way, and when the weather is warm we will plant the white roses Katie gave to us in his memory.

I miss my little old man. He had a happy little butt dance he did when you scratched his tail, and his tail would wag so hard when he was waiting to get on Jilly's bed that you'd think you would have taken to the air.

Every morning I say goodbye to him before I leave for work, just as I did every day when he was alive. But now there is no furry little head to kiss, just a cold grave waiting for roses to be planted in his memory. I miss him so much. I never realized how much it could hurt to lose a four-footed family member. And he wasn't "like" a member of the family. He was family.

Mommy loves you, Orion, and always will.

Grief

I never realized just how exhausting grief could be.

Last night I turned and saw Anubis watching me from Orion's spot, where he liked to lay to watch me get ready for work or play on the computer. I lost it. I ended up curled around Anubis, crying myself to sleep. Such a good puppy, he never moved, he just let Auntie cry and fall asleep.

I'm barely functioning most days. I'm shocked at how deeply I have felt the loss of my little old man, but he was my confidante, my buddy, my snugglebutt. How do people go on when they lose someone as close as a spouse? It's something I can't even begin to imagine or want to.

I haven't been able to eat much at all. I did manage lunch today, then ended up getting sick right afterwards. So I tried the ice cream route - got 1/4 pint in, at least. Maybe not the best way to get calories in, but I'll take it. Besides, the ice cream came from a great shop in the city and was very good.

Day by day. 
Tomorrow, for the first time since I started working full time again, I will leave for work without kissing a furry head and telling him, "Be a good boy. Mommy loves you. See you tonight."
I may be drinking heavily soon. That is all.

Orion's last imprint is still in my bed, after his bath earlier tonight.

I pretty much lost it. Damn it, I loved that dog! I would do anything to have him back with me right now.

They had him wrapped up a bit and I kept wrapping him tighter, because he was getting cold. Logically, I know it was because body heat dissipates after death. Emotionally, I wanted my snugglebutt to be warm.

I am having a hard time getting started on these papers for some reason. One is for Organized Communication and the other is for Astrobiology, both subjects I am enjoying. It’s time to just buckle down and churn them out. Just need to finish the day’s first cup of coffee as I poke around online and play a bit while waking up.

Yesterday was fantastic. queenmidalah echolegacy  and I picked up leilana_cuspa  on the way and met Katie at Liberty Lake for NJ Ren Faire auditions. It’s always great spending time with those ladies (okay, goofing off with those ladies!). I’m not quite sure how my audition went. Only my second one, so I don’t have much to compare it to! The improv portion was fun, but I’m not real thrilled with how I did during the “bus stop” bit. Everyone was terrific and friendly and full of energy, which made the day fly by.

Since things were done earlier than we expected, leilana_cuspa  and Katie took off for King of Prussia mall. We had about an hour to kill before Rosalie’s birthday dinner at the Melting Pot, so we were all going to do some shopping. The rest of us were going to meet them there, but a really bad accident on 76 had us getting to the restaurant with a whole 5 minutes to spare.

Dinner was awesome: great food, great conversation, and great company. We’ll do it again next year and buy my daughter a celebratory 21st birthday drink, even ;)

On the career front: last week I was challenged to consider what I really wanted to do with my career. I’ve spent the past week thinking about where I want to go, what I want to do, and where I want to be 5, 10, and 20 years down the road. Management, certainly, or the degree I’m working towards makes no sense. Possibly project management, but I don’t know yet. I love gathering data and finding the answers, but I also had to admit to getting a thrill out of putting out “fires” and fixing things that have gone awry (as long as I didn’t set them awry to begin with!) .

But what I really love is getting up in front of a group of people and presenting. I love the energy you can get from an engaged audience. It’s exciting for me. Maybe that’s why I’m so very looking forward to hopefully being cast for the faires this year. I love the faire and I love engaging an audience. Combine the two, and you have a very happy  masteralida

Rambled enough for the morning. Now it’s time to stop procrastinating and get these papers out!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Ro has to be up at an ungodly hour on Friday to get to work, so instead of driving to NJ for dinner with the family, we're having Thanksgiving at home This meant I was one of those crazy people in Giant at 6 pm the night before Thanksgiving, getting everything we needed to make dinner! 
Adding to the challenge of making dinner for 5 last minute: the grill is out of gas and my large oven is not working (I need to replace the element).  Challenge accepted!

Dinner will be:
  • Brie and cherry jam in crescent rolls as a starter
  • Turkey breast: cooked in a covered electric skillet with much butter, garlic and herbs. So far, it smells pretty good!
  • Vegetable medley: Must have this. Yay for my little convection oven!
  • Corn 
  • Mashed potatoes 
  • Potatoes au gratin (Ro's request) 
  • Red cabbage (for Rae)
  • Jellied cranberry sauce
  • Homemade cranberry sauce
  • Dinner rolls
  • Sweet rolls
  • Pumpkin pie with whipped cream
I feel like something is missing. I didn't pick up things for a salad and I should have!

Grumbledy

Ugh. Glasses. How I hate them. Yet for now, I'm stuck with them. At least until my eye clears up and I can get to the eye doctor to get whatever needs addressed fixed.

Right now I feel so clumsy and frumpy in them. There's all this *me* and all this hair and all these glasses. I thought this stage passed when people were, oh, 12. I'm about 30 years late for it, I guess.

I am so tired of being awkward looking. I just want to look and feel "polished", but I guess for now I am stuck being the before picture! Hopefully the after - when it does come - will look decent!

Would you believe

Cleaning out files. I'd forgotten I'd written this snippet, based on a dream I'd had:

It started with a dream.

In that dream, the light from the streetlamps barely illuminated her bedroom. There was just enough light to let her see the figure standing in her open doorway. There was no mistaking the Archangel Michael, with golden locks flowing down his back, ending at the base of his translucent wings. Those wings were spread slightly, catching the light breeze flowing through the hallway.


He turned that magnificent face toward another out of her line of vision. Then he spoke. In that dulcet tone, revered through the ages for its power and beauty, he said seven simple words: “Would you believe I have a migraine?”

I had planned on doing something with it. Maybe I still will.

Cookout time!

  • Corn on the cob, still in its husk, soaking.
  • Burgers prepped and ready to go on the grill.
  • Bean “salad” in the oven.
  • Chips out, dip ready to go.
  • Roasted potatoes being brought by Michelle.
  • Pound cake sliced
  • Jilly made the coconut yogurt for the fruit kabobs she’s making
  • Watermelon ready to be sliced
  • Ro and Michael are making cookies when they get back

I feel like I am missing something, but what?

For the Fourth

I had a nice neat shopping list all ready to go. Somehow, I managed to misplace it. Without moving. Go figure!

For tomorrow, we're looking at:

Feta stuffed turkey burgers
Regular burgers
Mom's bean salad
Roasted potatoes
Corn on the cob
Chips, pickles, etc.

Dessert:
Pound cake with fruit
Fruit kabobs with coconut yogurt
Watermelon

Now to go rebuild that list!